A Fearless Peek Into the Future--The View From 2025

[Guest Axel]

Every five minutes, we check the sports headlines again, sniffing for any loose crumbs that might lead us to the future conference home of Our Beloved Ducks.

 

As your faithful correspondent, I have gone where the loony Joy Taylors, Colin Cowherds, and Bill Plaschkes fear to go—not merely five minutes or a few days out, but three year and a half years from now.

 

(I bought a second-hand time machine on Craigslist. The contraption was built in 2098, delivered yesterday, and the first payment isn’t due until 2099, so I got a great deal.)

 

Without further fanfare, come along on a pigskin adventure of a lifetime…I’m setting the dials to…December 23, 2025, and here we go…Feliz Navidad!

 

--Things haven’t gone quite according to plan for the despicable double-crossers at USC. Upon further reflection, the buttoned-down Big Ten schools weren’t particularly thrilled about taking on two sleazy institutions from “kooky California,” so they stuck USC and UCLA not in the Big Ten West, but in the Big Ten Not-Quite-Guam Division, way far from the others.

 

It gave the Big Ten a good excuse to screw over USC and UCLA in 2024 by making them play each other nine times. The flimflamming double-dealers did face off in six games before getting sick of each other, deflating the footballs, going surfing, and above all, avoiding classes.

 

In 2025, the Big Ten stiffed USC with an irritating home schedule of Rutgers, Maryland, Rutgers, and Rutgers, and jammed them with a road slate of Penn State, Ohio State, Penn State, Ohio State, and Ohio State. When USC complained, like the obnoxious crybabies they are, the Big Ten commissioner told them to pound sand, and so the Trojans, the clueless idiots, headed down to Laguna for some beach volleyball.

 

After treating 10 of Pac-12 schools like scum from the foul and disgusting L.A. River, the Trojans did the same thing to their faithful mascot Traveler, cutting him loose before the first game in 2024. He was last seen wandering around Encino, dodging Amazon Prime delivery vans and SUVs driven by soccer moms doing their best not to crash into things because they have 10 screaming kids in the car.

 

Rumor has it that the Trojans offered the new mascot-ambassador job to O.J., but he turned them down. “I don’t see how anyone could be as cold and heartless as USC,” he said with a perfectly straight face. “They had no right stabbing those other Pac-12 schools in the back.”

 

--To the surprise of absolutely no one, UCLA’s sojourn into the Big Ten was an epic disaster along the lines of that asteroid strike that snuffed out T-Rex & Co. In September 2025, Northwestern annihilated UCLA before a Rose Bowl crowd of 12—so much for Big Ten drawing power—and the Bruins defense vanished faster than the French Maginot Line.

 

The Big Ten responded by going Paul Bunyan on the Bruins, chopping them off at the knees, wrists, elbows, arms, and shoulders—a pruning in fine Lizzie Borden style, and what’s left of UCLA power and prestige isn’t enough to get them into the Stay-Puft Marshmallow League. Meanwhile, Chip Kelly took the next step forward on his career path—in 2026, he’ll be filling the Gatorade cups for the Massachusetts Minutemen.

 

--In Utah, Kyle Whittingham announced that the Utes will join the NFL in 2026. He said, “If I can take two-star guys and destroy that offensive genius Mario Cristobal, we should have no trouble flattening the Green Bay Packers.”

 

To raise the millions of dollars necessary for stadium expansion and NFL entry fees, the Utes are holding the first-ever Salt Lake City horror-film festival.

 

The extravaganza will start off with a terrifying movie called “The Lost Soul,” which follows Mario Cristobal around on the sidelines during the 2021 Pac-12 championship game. A truly horrifying film—“Meet the Washington Husky Cheerleaders—will likely send many an attendee scurrying from the theater and shrieking loudly into the night.

 

“Carnival of Souls,” that creepy classic that was filmed in Utah, will not be shown, says the festival director, “because it is not as scary as those other films.”

 

--In Washington, the Huskies and their fans are still contemptible, debauched, depraved, and 1,000 other adjectives that don’t begin to do justice to their good-for-nothingness. The Huskies debated whether to join the Big Ten or the Big 12 until the brainless losers finally realized that no one invited them.

 

In the end, only the nicey-nice, uber-polite Canadians would have anything to do with the mangy mongrels, and there they are in the British Columbia Royal Canadian Mounted Police League--known more popularly as the BCRCMPL—playing the likes of Simon Fraser, Kelowna College, and Sasquatch State.

 

The Huskies have not won any games in the BCRCMPL, because they keep punting on second down rather than third, the witless morons. I am delighted to report that the Huskies’ vile shades of purple and their general degeneracy have taught the Canadians to revile them just as much as we do.

  

--In Oregon, it’s a tale of two cities—Eugene and Cannon Beach. Eugene is the home of the National Champion Oregon Ducks, yes in football, thank you, and we’ll get to the particulars in a moment, and Cannon Beach deserves mention just because I like to go there and scarf down as much Dungeness crab as I can get my grubby hands on.

 

The Ducks defeated the Miami Hurricanes in the natty 42-2 in January 2025. In September 2024, MariØ CristØbal contracted the Scandinavian variant of Covid and under his non-tutelage, Miami went undefeated right up until the title game.

 

CristØbal returned just in time to prepare the Canes for the championship bout and simultaneously interview for NFL coaching jobs in Seattle, New England, Minnesota, Houston, and Denver, while incessantly bragging to the media about his “undying devotion to the U.”

 

Incidentally, it seems there may have been another former Pac-12 team from Oregon. We’re searching our files and contacting several media lackeys in Portland. We will report back, if we find anything.

 

--Not much to say from Colorado, where football was suspended earlier in 2025, spurring the Buffaloes head coach and athletic director to hop aboard Ralphie's back, make a run for the steep cliffs of the Rockies and go out Thelma and Louise style.

 

--After contacting several dozen members of the Pacific Northwest media, we finally found someone who informed us that there was—and still is—a team called the Oregon State Beavers, who reportedly play in Corvallis at 12,000-seat New Parker Stadium.

 

The Beavers, denied admission to the Big Ten, SEC, Big 12, ACC, Sun Belt Conference, Mid-American Conference, All-American Conference, All-Canadian Conference, All-Guatemalan Conference, Big East, West Coast Conference, Ivy League, Patriot League, Traitors League, and the Mountain West, have finally found a home in a conference called “The Medium 3” alongside Chico State and Lehigh.

 

--I know you’re wondering, did the Ducks ever join the Big Ten? Or the SEC? Or the Big 12?

 

The answer is none of the above. The Ducks play in the premier college-football conference--“The Phil Knight Conference of the Cool Schools,” where Alabama, Ohio State, Washington, USC, Oklahoma, and more than 100 other universities are begging to get in.

 

These loathsome schools—with Washington and USC being the worst offenders—have offered keys to Swiss bank accounts, stolen paintings from the Louvre, gold bullion from Fort Knox, compromising pictures of rival coaches, and the sorts of bribes that would render a FIFA official comatose. But Uncle Phil has a pat answer: “We don’t need your filthy lucre, we’ve got Dan Lanning.”

 

Admission standards are tighter than the employee benefits package at Walmart. To date, the conference boasts two proud members—Oregon, the defending gridiron champs, and Faber College, which really blows at football, but they have a fraternity that puts Fizzies in the swimming pool before competitions. And that is cool.

[lownslowav8r]

LOL @Axel. Great fun!

[fred flintstone]

Please post more.....your insights are terrific!

[Quackanadian]

Hey now!!!!... I gots my MD degree from Sasquatch State!!!! And my sister was the enforcer on the ice for Kelowna College....

 

And i love to hate me some purple....

 

 

[Wrathis]

This is the ONLY way I want to start my Fridays at work. Once again, well done Axel!

[Haywarduck]

Great insight, but who started at qb?

[Charles Fischer]

On 7/7/2022 at 8:07 PM, Axel said:

Rumor has it that the Trojans offered the new mascot-ambassador job to O.J., but he turned them down. “I don’t see how anyone could be as cold and heartless as USC,” he said with a perfectly straight face. “They had no right stabbing those other Pac-12 schools in the back.”

Great humor makes you laugh and cringe at the same time.

 

I  Axel....

[Mudslide]

Another great post article.  Hmmm...I guess my information was wrong.  I frequently hear the voice of Vin Skully whispering in my, uh, brain.  HE SAID that USC and UCLA would be subsumed by a lesser Mexican soccer league.  (Blocking is illegal in soccer, after all.)  The Rose Bowl is now officially the Blue Agave Bowl, by the way.  I understood that USC also featured a snickered return of Steve Sarkisian as mascot.  Again, clearly incorrect information.  OJ is the much better choice, anyway.  (Ah, memories of OJ knifing through the defense.)

 

Oh well.  I had much faith in the Skully whisperer.  No longer.  Thanks for setting me right, Axel.  (By the way, do you ice skate?  With practice, I foresee a Double Axel happening.)