USC, UCLA Mark Independence Day Spitting in Faces of Those They Backstabbed and Left for Dead

[Guest Axel]

Two phony, pretend rivals--the University of Snakes & Cretins and their incestuous cousins at the University of Clueless Losers & Asshats are marking Independence Day locked in perverse embrace and spitting in the faces of those they’ve backstabbed and left for goners--Arizona, Utah, Washington State, Oregon State, Arizona State, Colorado, California, and Stanford.

 

Shivved in the side, but alive, Oregon has vowed retribution, mindful that revenge is a dish best served cold and whaddaya know, on the menu is a platter of red-tide oysters on ice; come and get ‘em, you pus-filled scabs from the Southland. Love and forgiveness for US&C and UCL&A are as likely as a hailstorm in hell.

 

Our Beloved Ducks are shocked at finding themselves in the same recovery room as gored-in-the-back Washington, alive but on life-support. Fighting the urge to pull the plug on those miserable Huskies, the Ducks reluctantly agreed to a temporary truce.

 

Working together for the first time since the sun flamed into existence, the Northwest schools plan to enter the Big Ten by the back door, sneak up on USC and UCLA, and then beat the living snot out of them.

 

When asked if this might mark a new era of cooperation between the Ducks and the Huskies, an Oregon spokesperson said, “Of course not. We expect those depraved and degenerate Huskies to double-cross us somehow and somewhere, just like they screwed us over in the 1949 Rose Bowl.”

 

Meanwhile, USC Coach Lincoln “Okie” Riley, masquerading as an elitist by living in a glorified barn with 12 toilets, and three-time loser and no-time winner in the College Football Playoff, spit in the eyes of the Pac-12 by saying, “USC Football is excited to compete in the Big Ten.”

 

Commenting on behalf of both USC and UCLA, L.A. Times hack writer and hopeless halfwit Bill Plaschke called the gutless defection, “a bold and brilliant move, one worthy of the city of champions.”

 

I’ll pause here a moment, so you can grab a puke bucket.

 

(Waiting patiently. If you have any Dramamine, you'd better grab that, too.)

 

If you’re a Pac-12 fan, you might want to skip the next few lines. Or at least put on a Covid mask to keep Plaschke’s gross, stinking spittle off your face. The shallow and stupid columnist says, “USC had long since outgrown a decaying Pac-12 that had deteriorated into the home of late-night TV games, half-empty stadiums and national irrelevance.”

 

The moron fails to mention that two of the most notorious half-empty stadiums are in Pasadena, where the soft and sissy Bruins play, and Memorial Coliseum, home of the overrated, arrogant, and mostly-insignificant-in-the-21^st-century Trojans.

 

Less than two years ago, the bipolar Plaschke said this about USC: “The college football world doesn’t consider them elite, because they’re not. They’re never included in the same conversation as Alabama and Clemson and Ohio State, because they don’t belong there.”

 

But now the college football world is supposed to celebrate USC in the Big Ten? And anemic kissing-cousin UCLA? Is everyone smoking crack? Pass that pipe, please.

 

Plaschke wasn’t done trashing USC in 2020: “The Trojan program is one based in mediocrity. The Trojan image is one bordering on irrelevancy.”

 

Huh?

 

Oh yeah, USC has a new coach, a marvelously talented, superhuman of a new coach, who can jog between Manhattan Beach and Catalina Island. If you believe L.A.’s insane punditry, gals and guys like Bill Plaschke, Lincoln Riley’s players can walk on water, too.

 

USC is guaranteed to lead college football in one category this year: hype. Make that HYPE.

 

But this is what you get with Los Angeles. Phonies. Hypocrites. Front-runners. Cry-baby behavior that would rival and put to shame any hospital nursery.

 

This is why I’ve always maintained that we don’t want a good USC, because they behave in the most despicable ways. Your typical USC or UCLA fan would gladly dump his little old granny in a shallow grave, quite possibly under a bed of white gardenias, in order to get the keys to her brand new shiny red super-stock Dodge.

 

If you ever wondered whatever happened to that little old lady from Pasadena, now you know. L.A. culture is more grotesque than an oil spill on the beaches of Santa Barbara. At least, you can wipe gunk off sea gulls and restore them to health. There is no cure for the repugnance that’s been going on in Los Angeles since the first mud brick was baked in the sun.

 

We’ve called Husky culture perverse. But compared to the culture oozing out of the festering pores of L.A., Huskies fans look like the Amish.

 

And what of UCLA? Nobody’s really talking about them running off to the Big Ten. One scribe even opined that Chip Kelly will never coach in the Big Ten—he’ll be fired before then. Not so fast! When the Big Ten admits its 42nd school, it could be New Hampshire and Chip can start again from the beginning. Let's not kick sand on Chip's upward trajectory.

 

But you know, I know, and even the Bruins know that they are just part of the Trojan’s furniture getting loaded onto the 18-wheeler headed east. And UCLA isn't exactly a valuable piece of furniture either. They're kind of like that soiled mattress that you make sure isn't facing outward on the moving van.

 

UCLA sucked in the Pac-12. They’ll also suck playing in the Big Ten—whether it’s the Hoosiers, the Nittany Lions, the Hawkeyes, the Fighting Illini, and has there ever been a conference that has more mascots that no one can even describe, not even the knuckleheaded scholars who attend those schools?

 

Anything that has ever sucked in the world—New Coke, Disney on Ice, TV weather people—the UCLA Bruins have sucked worse. Nobody wins at football with Easter-egg colors on their uniforms.

 

But back to the main point: the only reason that everyone in the Pac-12 has been skewered in the spine, and the only reason that so many schools are being spit on is because of USC. Remember that. Don’t forget that. And pass them those red-tide oysters on ice.

 

Down the hatch, you scurrilous scum.

[Charles Fischer]

So supremely written that transmits our feelings of betrayal like no other.  Thank you for the humor and the catharsis.  (Part of the healing!)

 

It seemed like a good idea,
but the LA schools may find
B1G is not a good fit...