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Guest Axel

USC at Oregon. Not in 2023--Today!

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Guest Axel

It's Baseball!


Friday, 4:00 p.m., USC at Oregon


Saturday, 2:00 p.m., USC at Oregon


Sunday 12:00 p.m., USC at Oregon


TV: Oregon Live Stream (all games)

Radio: Oregon Sports Network (all games)


Today, the University of Stupid Children comes to town, wearing their nauseating mustard and ketchup colors, for a huge game against Our Beloved Ducks. It’s not 2023, and no, we didn’t enter a time portal or slip into another dimension. We’re not talking football—this is Big League Baseball, Pac-12 style.


The kickoff is at 4:00 p.m., and okay, so we can’t get football out of our minds, because, well, we hate the USC football team and everything associated with that criminal enterprise that masquerades as an institute of higher learning.


But surely, we can let bygones be bygones, can’t we? This is baseball, that wonderful pastoral game, where baserunners of yesteryear received a dipper of beer when they cruised in to third base, and can’t we please have that rule back?


Surely, we can forgive the Trojans’ slings and slights and arrows of the past, can’t we?


No, we cannot.


While we were sleeping, those cold-hearted and calculating felons of Troy spirited away a treasure more valuable than the Hope Diamond or Fort Knox gold—a 1,000-yard running back. In the grand realm of USC sins, however, this unforgivable, callous, grotesque heist is but a minor misdemeanor.


We lampoon, and rightly so, those wanton, debauched mutt-worshippers up North. But the Huskies have nothing on the truly depraved USC alumni, whose ranks include an actual homicidal maniac, found guilty in a civil suit, and who has forever made O.J. unpalatable at my breakfast table. In fact, no longer can I in good conscience even drink a mimosa.


Our Beloved Ducks can proudly boast a virtuous Heisman Trophy winner in Marcus Mariota. The Trojans? They have a dastardly duo—a virtual winner named Reggie Bush, who was forced to cough up his hardware for cheating, and that other guy, the one with the knife, who committed one of the most unspeakable crimes in the history of the universe.


And we are not making this up--but at USC football games, that odious number 32 is still brazenly displayed in the L.A. Coliseum.


We can go on and on. This is USC, after all. Their transgressions are as high as the Himalayas and they go as deep as that goofy-named trench in the Pacific Ocean. And no, we don’t need for USC to be good in the Pac-12. We need a good USC like we need cocaine to be legitimized and marketed as a three o-clock energy boost.


When I was a little boy, I loved horses. But then I grew up and met a horse named Traveler, that obnoxious USC mascot ridden by a loathsome punk who's dressed up for an invasion. Now, I hope that horrible steed goes the way of Douglas C. Niedermeyer’s horse in Animal House. And please don’t tell me that you don’t secretly wish for the same.


So back to today’s game. This is baseball, the pastoral game. It’s a game with no tackling, unless you’re Pedro taking Don Zimmer down by the ears. It’s a game with no “hands to the face,” unless you’re Nolan Ryan using Robin Ventura’s melon as a punching bag. It’s a game with no targeting, unless you’re Pete Rose barreling into Ray Fosse, like a 200-ton locomotive.


Yes, baseball is a civil game. And we will be sure to be civil today—and all weekend long--as we’re bashing in the brains of the University of Student Criminals.

Edited by Axel
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University of Stupid Children

University of Spoiled Children

University of Scandalous Contributors



Take your pick. 

Edited by Steven A
derogatory to women
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And one of my personal favorite bits of Oregon v USC history. Chip Kelly's first year as OC in 2007 in a home game with Dennis Dixon at the helm. Oregon beat #9 USC 24-17. Some kids in the student section with a sign:


"Your Trojans Can't Hold Our Dixon"

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