His reputation lambasted in recent days as the Pac-12 implodes like Chernobyl’s reactor No. 4, former commissioner Larry Scott is reportedly creating his own college-football conference, furiously working the phones from a command center in a $9,500-a-night suite, complete with a baccarat table and free HBO, high above the Las Vegas Strip at the world-famous Bellagio.

 

An associate intimately involved in the proceedings, not quite a prima ballerina, but a dancer named Destiny, slammed down a vodka martini, did another line of coke, and passed out on the floor.

 

However, our Vegas insider, Jimmy the Broke, has gotten the goods on the new 9-team Larry Scott Conference:

 

South Northern Division

 

Lane Community College

 

Oregon State

 

The Sorbonne

 

Toledo (pending MAC approval and a $100 escape clause)

 

Oklahoma Institute of Nuclear Sciences

 

No Place in Particular Division

 

South Dakota Tractor Academy

 

Harvard

 

Miami (yes, the one with our favorite coach)

 

Ozark Ballet School

 

Because of the odd number of schools, one team will receive 12 byes during football season for an entire decade. Conference members unanimously designated Oregon State as first-up. Thus, the Beavers will play their next football game in September 2033. Call OSU to place your ticket orders or drive to Corvallis and visit the Beavers box office.

 

Any contest that ends in a tie after four quarters will be decided by a game of Twister. In alternate years, the conference champion will be decided by a coin toss. Conference Commissioner Larry Scott has already worked out a “gentlemen’s agreement” with the BCS.

 

Next up: a television contract, potentially “in the high hundreds”, with either Nickelodeon or the Cooking Channel.

 

Commissioner Scott could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly negotiating with the casino’s general manager, trying to get a craps table lifted by crane to his penthouse suite. An associate intimate with the situation, a not-quite-a-prima-ballerina named Starfire, promised to provide an update as soon as she finished one or two more bong hits.

Soooo good.  Thank you for that. 

Somebody grease the Axel?  Thank you for easing an already rough start of a season that really has not started yet.  I look forward to some "Magic" that Oregon can bring, Dan Lanning, here is your chance.

Thank you Axel again!  Your musings are tremendously entertaining. 🙂

no exclusive TV network? that's odd?